Tag: Destiny
Ikora, Probably: “Guardian, you’re back early.”
Guardian: “Moon’s haunted.”
Ikora: “Excuse me?”
Guardian: *Loading a fresh cylinder into their hand cannon and getting back into their ship* “Moon’s haunted.”
Cayde-6: I know what we gotta do to make Rasputin love us
Ikora: and what would that be? we tried everything
Cayde-6: *outside Rasputin’s vault with a boom box* RA-RA-RASPUTIN RUSSIA’S GREATEST LOVE MACHINE
Rasputin: [missile system engaged, target acquired]
gasps softly
TYPE: Ghost Shell Recording
DESCRIPTION: Crucible Announcement
LOCATION: Earth, Exodus Blue
//AUDIO AVAILABLE//
//RECORDING FOLLOWS//
[Cayde-6] Okay, listen up children. Shaxx lost, again, which means that today, I am the Crucible. Here are the rules: first of all, no Warlocks. Just leave. Go on! Yep, that’s right – yes, you. I’m looking right at you. I can see you, and you’re not –
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] Ikora, I….fine. Fine! Fair point. Belay that order. Warlocks can stay. Okay, where was I? Right. First rule, take two: every time you die, you finish your drink.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] What’s that?
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] What do you mean they don’t have drinks? Sweet mercy, no wonder Shaxx is always grumpy. Okay, let’s start over. First rule, take three: everyone needs a drink to hold.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] Yes, the entire time.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] Yes, I know that means you only get one hand for your gun. Ikora, was I not clear that I am the Crucible today? Not you, not Zavala, me. Shaxx and I had a deal, and you are not allowed to ruin this.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] No, I did not cheat.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] Will you stop backseat Shaxx-ing me?
[silence]
[silence]
[silence]
[Cayde-6] A-hem. Second rule: you die, you finish your drink. Third rule: if you spill your drink, you have to spin in a circle for thirty seconds and then get a new one. Fourth rule: every time I say ‘Yahtzee!’ everybody everywhere has to finish their whole drink.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] Huh? No, it doesn’t happen on a timer. I yell ‘Yahtzee’ whenever I feel like it. And of course they can keep shooting while they’re drinking. Anyway, here’s the deal: You get a kill, you take a sip. You get a headshot, you take two. You knife someone’s face, you finish your drink. The best taunt gets extra points, and, uh…hm.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] Ikora, that’s a great idea. Yes, Sparrow kills count double. If you get killed by a Sparrow, finish your drink and maybe lie down for a while. Any questions? Didn’t think so. And you, Titan, with the two drinks and no guns: I like your style.
[incoherent mumbling]
[Cayde-6] A send-off? Right you are, Ikora.
[glass clinking]
[Cayde-6] Bottoms up, Guardians.
[Inspired by @thexostranger‘s post]
Recently-overheard Fireteam Sayings:
“There will be no bestiality while I’m in charge.”
“Loot me, daddy!”
“The big ones are the doggos and the little ones are puppers. It’s the doggos you gotta watch out for.”
“Calus is T H I C C”
“I SAID NO BESTIALITY”
“God, I wish I could touch Shaxx’s butt.”
“Hold on, I’m pleasuring Calus with my Sweet Business”
“In the end, it was the puppers that got me.”
“Salt me.”
“THIS IS NOT A FURRY CLAN.”
“Hang on, let me find some ammo for my sword.”
“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not your father?”
“Ca-CAW, motherfucker!”
– Clan Report XXX-[REDACTED]
Everyone: The Guardians have lost their Light, we can no longer fight.
Lord Shaxx: just fucking shoot each other in the fucking face do it fucking now it’ll be fine shoot your friends
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T CONCENTRATE WHEN I’M YELLING- RELAX!!
[screaming externally] 